Two movies, one review, no spoilers

Okay, I got news for ya: Paranormal Activity is scary as fuck. It’s scary as fuck and if it didn’t scare the fuck out of you, your brains don’t work right. Don’t come at me with that bullshit either.
I know; the girl was annoying.
I know; Blair Witch Project sucked and they were shot in similar styles.
I know; ghosts aren’t fucking real!
These are all valid points. But they cannot take away from the fact that this movie almost made me (and certainly would have made a lesser man) literally shit in my pants. It had me, every night for months, staring at the bedroom door, scared to balls that it was going to move a little and I would lose my goddamn mind. That's terror genius! And like so many other classic works of art, the back story of how it came to be is a murky tale of urban legend status.

From what I hear; two…no wait, three starving film school drop outs, armed only with their vision of terror and pawn shop bought camera, created what turned out to be the scariest movie since the Exorcist. And they did it all in a house they were squatting in, on a budget of $0, in three days! No shit. DreamWorks saw that jam and wanted to remake it with a bunch of CGI effects and Will Smith starring as the ghost, but the creators weren’t having it. BOOM; artistic integrity. THAT’S how horror legends are born, haters.

Now just recently I was affected, in different way but to an equal degree, by another film. As much as Paranormal Activity scared the fuck out of me, The Human Centipede (First Sequence) stressed me the mother fuck out. No movie has ever given me such a sense of pure dread. This one stayed with me for a while after it was over, by way of a bad taste in my brain and perma-sourface. The concept is creative and disturbing. The characters are just underdeveloped enough to be believable. The pacing is methodical and scenarios are perfectly dreadful. Admittedly, there are some gaping plot holes but by the time I noticed them, I was so freaked the fuck out, I didn’t even care.

It’s foreign so it’s cool and I didn’t recognize any of the actors, except Christopher Walken who did such a good Nazi accent; I almost forgot it was him. I dare you to watch this movie and not make bitch noises or want to vomit. My biggest gripe with it is that now the phrase “ass to mouth” has taken on a whole new, and less affectionate, meaning.

Love you, bitches.

-ILLER