REDBOX REVIEW #2

Another enstallment of your new favorite movie critique,
REDBOX REVIEWS




This week, I rocked the box 3 times. Wait; that sounded dirtier than intended. I rocked the box (if you know what I mean) a lot more than 3 times this week. What I meant to say was that I watched a total of 3 movied from REDBOX this week, all in good company. This weeks movies are:

WOLFMAN


I'd seen this one before, but I wanted to give it another go. Not much changed. The first few minutes of the movie tell the tale. A good, atmospheric opening, honest to the classic WOLFMAN genre, quickly ruined by the bane of my movie enjoying experience; C.G. mother-fucking I. Goddammit! I hate CGI. It never looks real, mostly because...well, IT'S NOT!
This movie was soooo close to being good. Anthony Hopkins was, like usual, brilliant. His "revelation" scene with his son (Benicio Del Toro) in an asylum was the high point of the film and also the point at which it spiraled into typical Hollywood fuck-it-up-ery. Why, oh why do all movies have to get all grandiose, aka stupid?! We'd have been fine without the Wolfman running across rooftops and performing Matrix-like stunts. So close. So, so close.
4 out of 12 black pentagrams on this one.

Next on the menu was
Scott Pilgrim vs. the World

Concerning this movie, Scott Pilgrim and I have something in common. It's us against the World. That's right, bitches; I liked this movie. I swear, I am not just liking everything you all don't like (and vice versa). At least, not on purpose. I liked the quick dialogue in this film. I liked the retro video game sound effects. I also likes that cute nerdy chick who kept trying to ruin Scott's day. The fights were fun and outlandish. I can accept fight scenes that aren't trying to pass themselves off as realistic. The fact that I was watching this one in bed with a half-naked lady asleep on my chest might've contributed to my to positive and accepting mindset, but on the real; it was pretty good. I'll give it 300 out of 415 gold stars.


Lastly, in the company of certain li'l heathens, I viewed:
Legend of the Guardians

This jam here was beautiful. Simply the best computer animation I've ever seen. I know, I'm supposed to hate CGI. I DO....when it's mixed with real shit. In an animated film, it's fresh. The story was pretty good, though typical. The characters were the usual fare, but done well. Thankfully, we only had to hear Liam Neeson (the most overused voice in the world for the old, stern-yet-patient character) for a few minutes. And hey, the bad guys had a none-too-subtle Nazi overtone, which is perfect (brain) programming for our li'l Capitalists! If you have kids, or babysit them, rent this junk; they'll like it and you'll be amazed at how far we've come with computers since Toy Story.
Legends of the Guardians gets 9 out of 11 pencil-top erasers.


There you have it. Until next week...
Love you, bitches.
-ILLER

The songs that saved your life

Special thanks to Magister Perverzum for the nostalgic facebook post that inspired this blog and trip down memory lane. YOU are a big part of this list, brother!

Everybody has certain songs, or artists, that completely changed the way they listen the music. I'm talking about songs that, the first time you heard them, struck a previously unstruck chord. These are a few of the songs that shaped my musical taste and gave me faith in humanity:

Please, Please, Please...


I was 10 years old when I heard this song. I was dumbfounded. I was already a music fan, having been brought up on a diet of Aretha Franklin, the Beatles, Van Morrison and James Taylor. but this....this song...made me stop and listen like I hadn't listened before. It was simple and sweet. I was a melancholy kid, so it's no surprise that the Smiths appealed to me. Funny that at 10 I thought I identified with lines like "See the life I've had can make a good man bad.". Maybe it was a foreshadowing of a life to come. Certainly, it was the beginning of a life long obsession with all things Morrissey/Smiths.


Paid in full


Holy shit. This shit hit me like a ton of mu-fucking gold chains. I was hypnotized. This was my introduction to hip-hop and I somehow knew I'd never be the same. The Beastie Boys eventually changed everything I thought I knew (and liked) about hip-hop, but I will forever salute Eric B and Rakim as being the very first to make my head bob.



Fucking Hostile


Don't front; Vulgar Display of Power by Pantera was the shiiiit. THIS was how heavy metal was supposed to be played all along; tight, heavy and pissed! There's no crying in heavy metal; only screaming. When mighty Thor rides a thunderstorm from Asgard, hammer held high, to straight fuck some shit up, this is the soundtrack.



Automatic Rejector


I first heard this song in the only proper way to hear Screeching Weasel for the first time; on vinyl, played on a beat-up, second-hand record player, in a one bedroom apartment I shared with like 12 other people. Punk rock was a lifestyle. It was a poor, angry lifestyle. Screeching Weasel raged against the norm in the best possible way; by not seeming to rage against it at all. They just did their thing. Back when the term "pop-punk" meant something, Screeching Weasel was my favorite band.


Scared of Chaka

On the heels of discovering Screeching Weasel, I went to a show and saw Scared of Chaka. Words can't describe. Fuck all else; if you want to know what Albuquerque summer nights sounded like, in the mid '90s, to one 17 year old miscreant, listen to Scared of Chaka.




Pulp


This song, and this song alone, made me take "Brit-pop" seriously. Jarvis Cocker sings like he has pure sex-juice running through his veins. I was, and still am, in awe that a song this good could be written. Viva Pulp.



Brother Ali & Slug (of Atmosphere)

I was at band practice and the bass player played this during a smoke break. I was all what-the-fuck-is-this-and-why-haven't-I-heard-it-before and he was all it's-brother-ali-and-slug-man---sheesh-get-with-it. I hadn't been as interested in a hip-hop song since hearing Paul's Boutique. Shortly thereafter, Slug was my new favorite emcee and Atmosphere brought hip-hop back into my life. Love to Brother Ali, Ant and Slug.




I love so much music, but these are a few of songs that stand out as having uniquely effected me, in one way or another. I eagerly await hearing the next entry...like love, it usually strikes when you least expect it. Or so I've heard.

Love you, bitches.
-your dirty uncle, ILLER

REDBOX REVIEW #1

Welcome to the first installment of my new series; REDBOX REVIEWS.


See, I don't go to movie theaters. I'm waaay too fiscally conservative (cheap/broke) to pay the rape they are charging at the door these days. So, like many Americans with real lives, REDBOX has become my new jam. I'm going to document my weekly movie night here. Doesn't that sound fun?

REXBOX REVIEWS starts......NOW:






I think many of you are in denial. I hereby give you all permission to admit that Machete wasn't really all that good. In fact, aside from some decent T&A, it was boring. It's fine. Come to terms with reality. It's okay to let go of your obligation to like it. I mean, the B movie camp is cool and all, but I already saw (and loved) Planet Terror. You are not obligated to like everything Robert Rodriguez puts out. Desperado; brilliant. From Dusk till Dawn; nice. Machete; worn out, overdone, simple. On the real; the best part of the movie was about 40 minutes in, when I got laid. That and the menu screen had a sweet-ass picture of Lindsay Lohan in the nun outfit, tonguing a pistol.



CASE 39


Case 39 is a 2009 horror-thriller directed by Christian Alvart and it pretty much sucks. Like most movies in the genre, it starts with promise but sputters sadly into over familiar territory. In fact, the high point of the movie comes early on with a 3 or 4 second shot of crazy mom and dad characters looking creepily through a bedroom door. After that, it's all downhill. Ugh. Oh, big surprise; the innocent looking 10 year old turns out to be evil incarnate! We didn't see that coming from scene one. Renee Zellweger has to save the day while coming to terms with her own tragic past. Are you as bored reading this as I was watching it? I hope not. Jodelle Ferland did a pretty good job displaying her acting skillz in certain scenes despite the shit-ass script.



Here's hoping REDBOX offeres up better gems next week....

Love you, bitches.
ILLER