not a REDBOX REVIEW

Due to her not really fulfilling many of my more horror-rific desires, I've recently had to step out on my lady, REDBOX. I found a cheap li'l tart down the road who can do more for me. Her name is Captain Video and Tanning Salon. Movies are only $1.09 (I don't really know how much tanning sessions are) and she has a wider selection...I guess I'm in an open relationship. This was our second or third date:

I Spit On Your Grave the remake Ugh. Everything I'd heard about this movie was wildly overstated. It was a mish-mash of over-the-top dum-dum redneck dialogue and bad pacing. The rape scene you've heard so much about...eh, kinda stupid. I expected to be horrified. Boreified is more like it. Having the retard participate in the rape was a good touch though. Retard rape is pretty friggin' disturbing.

disclaimer: Understand that by praising any aspect of the rape scene, I am speaking to the artistic interpretation NOT making light of actual sexual abuse. I mean, don't leave me out of your rape fantisy but real life rape is a repugnant act and should be punishable by death.

The vigilanty girl-kills-victemizers scenes were, for the most part, outlandish and kinda silly. Only the ones involving a bathtub, some lye, fish hooks, fish guts and crows were any good. The only other good part of the film was watching the bad Sheriff come unglued stressing out about getting caught for his crime. Other than that, this movie was a let down.

And hey, aren't you just a little tired of remakes anyway?

Love you, dirty bitches.

-ILLER, natural born killer

The apple don't fall far...

You may have noticed that I don't often (ever) talk about my children online. But I'm breaking that long standing practice in honor of one of my sons, who went through an important rite of passage today. This very day, a young ILLER took up the challenge of manhood and bloodied his first enemy!

The stage for his ordeal was the school lunchroom, in full view of his peers. The scene was a heated argument, about who-knows-what, between him and another boy. The turning point was when the other boy took it to the next level by striking my son in the face. That's right; my boy got punched in his mug. And how did he respond to this test of mettle? I can tell you this; he DID NOT turn the other cheek! Hell to the no! My normally mild mannered, good humored offspring reacted in accordance with his heritage and struck the fuck back, bloodying his adversary's nose and making him cry. "Don't ever touch me again!" was his victory song! The ILLER blood boiled in his veins, demanding retribution and he answered the call, showing the rest of the lunchroom that he is not to be slept on or fucked with.

Understand; I DO NOT condone unnecessary violence. I try to teach the li'l ILLERs to resolve disputes with diplomacy. I cannot abide a bully and it would not be good day for young asses in the ILLER house if I were to find out that one of mine had been involved in bullying anyone. That said, I firmly believe that there is a time and place for physical violence. The middle school lunchroom, after getting punched in the face is such a time and place. As a father, I'd done all I could to prepare him for this. I made sure he knew how to throw a proper 1-2 and told him to go for the gold if anyone ever put their hands on him aggressively. The rest was up to him...
He believes he did the right thing. I know he did.

Yeah, he got suspended for fighting. Sometimes there's just a price to pay for the respect of your fellows and, more importantly, the confidence that comes from knowing you have the fortitude to stick up for yourself and the ability to do it effectively. He will get no punishment at home. Hell, he'll probably get a milkshake and a pat on the back.

Face it, world; ILLERs just don't make good targets.

Good work boy-oh.

-Da ILLER

Redboxin' again

Yeah, I've been slacking on the Red Box reviews, mostly because I've been busy not slacking at life. So there. I have managed to observe weekly movie night, just haven't found the time to type up reviews.


Well, let me play catch-up: #1 Despicable Me. Catchy title; complete yawn of a film. It managed to disappointed, even with my super low expectations. The animation didn't seem to jive, stylistically. with the audio; which was sad because the voice track was the best part of this cartoon crap fest. When I closed my eyes, or left the room, I kind of liked Steve Corell's funny accent even though the jokes fell flat. And I hate, hate, hate those little creatures with the high voices that were supposed to be funny. I call these type of annoying creations "Happy Meal Characters". Fucking Ewoks. They're completely unnecessary to the story. They have no depth. They exist only to market a mind numbing product to mind numbed little children. Obviously it works and my general dislike for most members of my own species continues to grow. Thankfully, I was distracted by phone calls for much of this movie. The poor, young Cretans I was entertaining were subjected to the whole thing. Their review wasn't any better than mine. This over promoted, underdeveloped piece of trash gets a biiiiig (how do you spell that fart sound you make with your mouth?) pttttttttthththththblblblb.

#2, chronologically and literally

Paranormal Activity 2 got a mixed reaction from me. I was disappointed but also just a little relieved. The duel emotions were both attributed to the fact that this movie was sadly un-scary and did not, in any way, live up to its predecessor (or the glowing reviews I kept hearing from several dolts I know). As you may know, the original Paranormal Activity scared the manhood out of me. It was a masterpiece that I knew couldn't be duplicated, but I did hope that the sequel would capture some of the origional's magical creep. It did not. It made me jump a total of one times and the spook was gone immediately. I'm still confused as to if I'm mad or happy that it sucked so much. Either way, I give it an F for "Fuck, I wasted another 2 hours of my life!". But hey, I didn't lose a wink of sleep...

#3, doesn't really belong here, as I didn't get it at Redbox...but I only paid $1.09 for it, so it meets the spirit of the blog if not the letter. Book of Blood (pronounced in bad Romanian accent; Bloooodd) This one was adapted and directed by John Harrison from one of Clive Barker's Books of Blood. It was so/so at best and followed the typical horror formula of having a fart of an ending. There were two scenes that made this movie worth the buck-o-nine I dropped on it. In the first one, a hot young lass is being beaten up by an invisible force. After slamming her against the wall, she's thrown, face down, on the bed. Her boy-shorts are then promptly removed. At this point I actually said aloud, "Ahh, a ghost after my own heart!"....then her face got ripped off and I no longer felt a kinship with the spirit world. The other great scene was a sex-dream sequence starting with shameless masturbation (It DOES help one get to sleep, after all!) and plenty of gratuitous flesh. Sophie Ward was a uniquely hot heroine. Other than those two titillations, it was the same old thing; paranormal investigators, haunted house, spirit crossroads, ect, ect.

Until next time...love you, bitches.
-ILLER