Redboxin' again

Yeah, I've been slacking on the Red Box reviews, mostly because I've been busy not slacking at life. So there. I have managed to observe weekly movie night, just haven't found the time to type up reviews.


Well, let me play catch-up: #1 Despicable Me. Catchy title; complete yawn of a film. It managed to disappointed, even with my super low expectations. The animation didn't seem to jive, stylistically. with the audio; which was sad because the voice track was the best part of this cartoon crap fest. When I closed my eyes, or left the room, I kind of liked Steve Corell's funny accent even though the jokes fell flat. And I hate, hate, hate those little creatures with the high voices that were supposed to be funny. I call these type of annoying creations "Happy Meal Characters". Fucking Ewoks. They're completely unnecessary to the story. They have no depth. They exist only to market a mind numbing product to mind numbed little children. Obviously it works and my general dislike for most members of my own species continues to grow. Thankfully, I was distracted by phone calls for much of this movie. The poor, young Cretans I was entertaining were subjected to the whole thing. Their review wasn't any better than mine. This over promoted, underdeveloped piece of trash gets a biiiiig (how do you spell that fart sound you make with your mouth?) pttttttttthththththblblblb.

#2, chronologically and literally

Paranormal Activity 2 got a mixed reaction from me. I was disappointed but also just a little relieved. The duel emotions were both attributed to the fact that this movie was sadly un-scary and did not, in any way, live up to its predecessor (or the glowing reviews I kept hearing from several dolts I know). As you may know, the original Paranormal Activity scared the manhood out of me. It was a masterpiece that I knew couldn't be duplicated, but I did hope that the sequel would capture some of the origional's magical creep. It did not. It made me jump a total of one times and the spook was gone immediately. I'm still confused as to if I'm mad or happy that it sucked so much. Either way, I give it an F for "Fuck, I wasted another 2 hours of my life!". But hey, I didn't lose a wink of sleep...

#3, doesn't really belong here, as I didn't get it at Redbox...but I only paid $1.09 for it, so it meets the spirit of the blog if not the letter. Book of Blood (pronounced in bad Romanian accent; Bloooodd) This one was adapted and directed by John Harrison from one of Clive Barker's Books of Blood. It was so/so at best and followed the typical horror formula of having a fart of an ending. There were two scenes that made this movie worth the buck-o-nine I dropped on it. In the first one, a hot young lass is being beaten up by an invisible force. After slamming her against the wall, she's thrown, face down, on the bed. Her boy-shorts are then promptly removed. At this point I actually said aloud, "Ahh, a ghost after my own heart!"....then her face got ripped off and I no longer felt a kinship with the spirit world. The other great scene was a sex-dream sequence starting with shameless masturbation (It DOES help one get to sleep, after all!) and plenty of gratuitous flesh. Sophie Ward was a uniquely hot heroine. Other than those two titillations, it was the same old thing; paranormal investigators, haunted house, spirit crossroads, ect, ect.

Until next time...love you, bitches.
-ILLER