the Perils of Porn

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REDBOX REVIEWS from space. ...and the future

Brace yourselves, bitches! We's about to warp up another REDBOX REVIEW.
Star Trek (2009)

With this one, I was prepared for the worst. This film had many indicators of a movie that I would hate. As a rule with few exceptions, I dont' like prequels so I was doubtful from the jump. Then there's the director. Fuck J.J. Abrams. Fuck him for LOST. I'm still bitter about that shit-stain of a finally. Fuck Cloverfield, an overhyped deadfuck.. Fuck just about anything J.J. "blue-balls" Abrams puts his name on (except for Armageddon!, sing along with me; "don't wanna close my eyeeees..."!!). And time travel being an integral part of the plot? Oh no. Were they really going to push the sci-fi easy reset button? I tried to have an open mind, but inside I was already typing another negative REDBOX REVIEW.

Imagine my surprise when, about 20 minutes into it, I realized that I was sort of enjoying it! I was pleasently surprised with the casting (and makeup) and the story. The acting was spot on, especially in the case of Dr. McCoy! Young Spock was a dead ringer. And old, reflective, sentimental Spock??!! What? My heart was warmed. Kirk T. getting frisky with a hot-bodied, dim-witted, green-skinned honey? Hell to the Star Trek yeah!

Don't get me wrong; there were things I absolutely did not like about this movie. Young Kirk was a little too Mavrick from Top Gun for me. We get it, he's a rebel who does things his own way and has a sharp tongue to boot...ugh. Every attempt at humor in this movie made me cringe and Chekhov's accent was torture. I could've done completely without Kirk being chased by a CGI vagina-faced monster. I felt like I'd seen this scene before...in Star Wars. Other than that, I pretty much liked this movie. I thought it smacked enough of the the Gene Roddenberry years to make me nostalgic but updated the look and pace enough to make it fresh. The plot was cool with me too; even the time travel. Hell, it may be my favorite approach to time travel yet. Shit just happened and the universe didn't fold over on itself and no one ceased to exist. Good work Alex Kurtzman and Roberto Orci (writers) and a reluctant good work to J.J. (still; fuck you for LOST)!

Overall, this was a pretty kickass reboot. It had a lot more action and a lot less preaching and social commentary than it's predecessors, for which I am grateful. Rumor is, the cast has signed on for 2 sequels. I'm all for that shit. I hope they live up to this one. If they do, Star Trek will have thoroughly kicked the shit out of Star Wars in the sequel/prequel trilogy category! I'm all for that too. I mean, Han was cool as they come, but Kirk gets alien trim on the reg! That's my kinda hero.

Love you bitches,-Captian ILLER

not a REDBOX REVIEW

Due to her not really fulfilling many of my more horror-rific desires, I've recently had to step out on my lady, REDBOX. I found a cheap li'l tart down the road who can do more for me. Her name is Captain Video and Tanning Salon. Movies are only $1.09 (I don't really know how much tanning sessions are) and she has a wider selection...I guess I'm in an open relationship. This was our second or third date:

I Spit On Your Grave the remake Ugh. Everything I'd heard about this movie was wildly overstated. It was a mish-mash of over-the-top dum-dum redneck dialogue and bad pacing. The rape scene you've heard so much about...eh, kinda stupid. I expected to be horrified. Boreified is more like it. Having the retard participate in the rape was a good touch though. Retard rape is pretty friggin' disturbing.

disclaimer: Understand that by praising any aspect of the rape scene, I am speaking to the artistic interpretation NOT making light of actual sexual abuse. I mean, don't leave me out of your rape fantisy but real life rape is a repugnant act and should be punishable by death.

The vigilanty girl-kills-victemizers scenes were, for the most part, outlandish and kinda silly. Only the ones involving a bathtub, some lye, fish hooks, fish guts and crows were any good. The only other good part of the film was watching the bad Sheriff come unglued stressing out about getting caught for his crime. Other than that, this movie was a let down.

And hey, aren't you just a little tired of remakes anyway?

Love you, dirty bitches.

-ILLER, natural born killer

The apple don't fall far...

You may have noticed that I don't often (ever) talk about my children online. But I'm breaking that long standing practice in honor of one of my sons, who went through an important rite of passage today. This very day, a young ILLER took up the challenge of manhood and bloodied his first enemy!

The stage for his ordeal was the school lunchroom, in full view of his peers. The scene was a heated argument, about who-knows-what, between him and another boy. The turning point was when the other boy took it to the next level by striking my son in the face. That's right; my boy got punched in his mug. And how did he respond to this test of mettle? I can tell you this; he DID NOT turn the other cheek! Hell to the no! My normally mild mannered, good humored offspring reacted in accordance with his heritage and struck the fuck back, bloodying his adversary's nose and making him cry. "Don't ever touch me again!" was his victory song! The ILLER blood boiled in his veins, demanding retribution and he answered the call, showing the rest of the lunchroom that he is not to be slept on or fucked with.

Understand; I DO NOT condone unnecessary violence. I try to teach the li'l ILLERs to resolve disputes with diplomacy. I cannot abide a bully and it would not be good day for young asses in the ILLER house if I were to find out that one of mine had been involved in bullying anyone. That said, I firmly believe that there is a time and place for physical violence. The middle school lunchroom, after getting punched in the face is such a time and place. As a father, I'd done all I could to prepare him for this. I made sure he knew how to throw a proper 1-2 and told him to go for the gold if anyone ever put their hands on him aggressively. The rest was up to him...
He believes he did the right thing. I know he did.

Yeah, he got suspended for fighting. Sometimes there's just a price to pay for the respect of your fellows and, more importantly, the confidence that comes from knowing you have the fortitude to stick up for yourself and the ability to do it effectively. He will get no punishment at home. Hell, he'll probably get a milkshake and a pat on the back.

Face it, world; ILLERs just don't make good targets.

Good work boy-oh.

-Da ILLER

Redboxin' again

Yeah, I've been slacking on the Red Box reviews, mostly because I've been busy not slacking at life. So there. I have managed to observe weekly movie night, just haven't found the time to type up reviews.


Well, let me play catch-up: #1 Despicable Me. Catchy title; complete yawn of a film. It managed to disappointed, even with my super low expectations. The animation didn't seem to jive, stylistically. with the audio; which was sad because the voice track was the best part of this cartoon crap fest. When I closed my eyes, or left the room, I kind of liked Steve Corell's funny accent even though the jokes fell flat. And I hate, hate, hate those little creatures with the high voices that were supposed to be funny. I call these type of annoying creations "Happy Meal Characters". Fucking Ewoks. They're completely unnecessary to the story. They have no depth. They exist only to market a mind numbing product to mind numbed little children. Obviously it works and my general dislike for most members of my own species continues to grow. Thankfully, I was distracted by phone calls for much of this movie. The poor, young Cretans I was entertaining were subjected to the whole thing. Their review wasn't any better than mine. This over promoted, underdeveloped piece of trash gets a biiiiig (how do you spell that fart sound you make with your mouth?) pttttttttthththththblblblb.

#2, chronologically and literally

Paranormal Activity 2 got a mixed reaction from me. I was disappointed but also just a little relieved. The duel emotions were both attributed to the fact that this movie was sadly un-scary and did not, in any way, live up to its predecessor (or the glowing reviews I kept hearing from several dolts I know). As you may know, the original Paranormal Activity scared the manhood out of me. It was a masterpiece that I knew couldn't be duplicated, but I did hope that the sequel would capture some of the origional's magical creep. It did not. It made me jump a total of one times and the spook was gone immediately. I'm still confused as to if I'm mad or happy that it sucked so much. Either way, I give it an F for "Fuck, I wasted another 2 hours of my life!". But hey, I didn't lose a wink of sleep...

#3, doesn't really belong here, as I didn't get it at Redbox...but I only paid $1.09 for it, so it meets the spirit of the blog if not the letter. Book of Blood (pronounced in bad Romanian accent; Bloooodd) This one was adapted and directed by John Harrison from one of Clive Barker's Books of Blood. It was so/so at best and followed the typical horror formula of having a fart of an ending. There were two scenes that made this movie worth the buck-o-nine I dropped on it. In the first one, a hot young lass is being beaten up by an invisible force. After slamming her against the wall, she's thrown, face down, on the bed. Her boy-shorts are then promptly removed. At this point I actually said aloud, "Ahh, a ghost after my own heart!"....then her face got ripped off and I no longer felt a kinship with the spirit world. The other great scene was a sex-dream sequence starting with shameless masturbation (It DOES help one get to sleep, after all!) and plenty of gratuitous flesh. Sophie Ward was a uniquely hot heroine. Other than those two titillations, it was the same old thing; paranormal investigators, haunted house, spirit crossroads, ect, ect.

Until next time...love you, bitches.
-ILLER

REDBOX REVIEW #2

Another enstallment of your new favorite movie critique,
REDBOX REVIEWS




This week, I rocked the box 3 times. Wait; that sounded dirtier than intended. I rocked the box (if you know what I mean) a lot more than 3 times this week. What I meant to say was that I watched a total of 3 movied from REDBOX this week, all in good company. This weeks movies are:

WOLFMAN


I'd seen this one before, but I wanted to give it another go. Not much changed. The first few minutes of the movie tell the tale. A good, atmospheric opening, honest to the classic WOLFMAN genre, quickly ruined by the bane of my movie enjoying experience; C.G. mother-fucking I. Goddammit! I hate CGI. It never looks real, mostly because...well, IT'S NOT!
This movie was soooo close to being good. Anthony Hopkins was, like usual, brilliant. His "revelation" scene with his son (Benicio Del Toro) in an asylum was the high point of the film and also the point at which it spiraled into typical Hollywood fuck-it-up-ery. Why, oh why do all movies have to get all grandiose, aka stupid?! We'd have been fine without the Wolfman running across rooftops and performing Matrix-like stunts. So close. So, so close.
4 out of 12 black pentagrams on this one.

Next on the menu was
Scott Pilgrim vs. the World

Concerning this movie, Scott Pilgrim and I have something in common. It's us against the World. That's right, bitches; I liked this movie. I swear, I am not just liking everything you all don't like (and vice versa). At least, not on purpose. I liked the quick dialogue in this film. I liked the retro video game sound effects. I also likes that cute nerdy chick who kept trying to ruin Scott's day. The fights were fun and outlandish. I can accept fight scenes that aren't trying to pass themselves off as realistic. The fact that I was watching this one in bed with a half-naked lady asleep on my chest might've contributed to my to positive and accepting mindset, but on the real; it was pretty good. I'll give it 300 out of 415 gold stars.


Lastly, in the company of certain li'l heathens, I viewed:
Legend of the Guardians

This jam here was beautiful. Simply the best computer animation I've ever seen. I know, I'm supposed to hate CGI. I DO....when it's mixed with real shit. In an animated film, it's fresh. The story was pretty good, though typical. The characters were the usual fare, but done well. Thankfully, we only had to hear Liam Neeson (the most overused voice in the world for the old, stern-yet-patient character) for a few minutes. And hey, the bad guys had a none-too-subtle Nazi overtone, which is perfect (brain) programming for our li'l Capitalists! If you have kids, or babysit them, rent this junk; they'll like it and you'll be amazed at how far we've come with computers since Toy Story.
Legends of the Guardians gets 9 out of 11 pencil-top erasers.


There you have it. Until next week...
Love you, bitches.
-ILLER

The songs that saved your life

Special thanks to Magister Perverzum for the nostalgic facebook post that inspired this blog and trip down memory lane. YOU are a big part of this list, brother!

Everybody has certain songs, or artists, that completely changed the way they listen the music. I'm talking about songs that, the first time you heard them, struck a previously unstruck chord. These are a few of the songs that shaped my musical taste and gave me faith in humanity:

Please, Please, Please...


I was 10 years old when I heard this song. I was dumbfounded. I was already a music fan, having been brought up on a diet of Aretha Franklin, the Beatles, Van Morrison and James Taylor. but this....this song...made me stop and listen like I hadn't listened before. It was simple and sweet. I was a melancholy kid, so it's no surprise that the Smiths appealed to me. Funny that at 10 I thought I identified with lines like "See the life I've had can make a good man bad.". Maybe it was a foreshadowing of a life to come. Certainly, it was the beginning of a life long obsession with all things Morrissey/Smiths.


Paid in full


Holy shit. This shit hit me like a ton of mu-fucking gold chains. I was hypnotized. This was my introduction to hip-hop and I somehow knew I'd never be the same. The Beastie Boys eventually changed everything I thought I knew (and liked) about hip-hop, but I will forever salute Eric B and Rakim as being the very first to make my head bob.



Fucking Hostile


Don't front; Vulgar Display of Power by Pantera was the shiiiit. THIS was how heavy metal was supposed to be played all along; tight, heavy and pissed! There's no crying in heavy metal; only screaming. When mighty Thor rides a thunderstorm from Asgard, hammer held high, to straight fuck some shit up, this is the soundtrack.



Automatic Rejector


I first heard this song in the only proper way to hear Screeching Weasel for the first time; on vinyl, played on a beat-up, second-hand record player, in a one bedroom apartment I shared with like 12 other people. Punk rock was a lifestyle. It was a poor, angry lifestyle. Screeching Weasel raged against the norm in the best possible way; by not seeming to rage against it at all. They just did their thing. Back when the term "pop-punk" meant something, Screeching Weasel was my favorite band.


Scared of Chaka

On the heels of discovering Screeching Weasel, I went to a show and saw Scared of Chaka. Words can't describe. Fuck all else; if you want to know what Albuquerque summer nights sounded like, in the mid '90s, to one 17 year old miscreant, listen to Scared of Chaka.




Pulp


This song, and this song alone, made me take "Brit-pop" seriously. Jarvis Cocker sings like he has pure sex-juice running through his veins. I was, and still am, in awe that a song this good could be written. Viva Pulp.



Brother Ali & Slug (of Atmosphere)

I was at band practice and the bass player played this during a smoke break. I was all what-the-fuck-is-this-and-why-haven't-I-heard-it-before and he was all it's-brother-ali-and-slug-man---sheesh-get-with-it. I hadn't been as interested in a hip-hop song since hearing Paul's Boutique. Shortly thereafter, Slug was my new favorite emcee and Atmosphere brought hip-hop back into my life. Love to Brother Ali, Ant and Slug.




I love so much music, but these are a few of songs that stand out as having uniquely effected me, in one way or another. I eagerly await hearing the next entry...like love, it usually strikes when you least expect it. Or so I've heard.

Love you, bitches.
-your dirty uncle, ILLER

REDBOX REVIEW #1

Welcome to the first installment of my new series; REDBOX REVIEWS.


See, I don't go to movie theaters. I'm waaay too fiscally conservative (cheap/broke) to pay the rape they are charging at the door these days. So, like many Americans with real lives, REDBOX has become my new jam. I'm going to document my weekly movie night here. Doesn't that sound fun?

REXBOX REVIEWS starts......NOW:






I think many of you are in denial. I hereby give you all permission to admit that Machete wasn't really all that good. In fact, aside from some decent T&A, it was boring. It's fine. Come to terms with reality. It's okay to let go of your obligation to like it. I mean, the B movie camp is cool and all, but I already saw (and loved) Planet Terror. You are not obligated to like everything Robert Rodriguez puts out. Desperado; brilliant. From Dusk till Dawn; nice. Machete; worn out, overdone, simple. On the real; the best part of the movie was about 40 minutes in, when I got laid. That and the menu screen had a sweet-ass picture of Lindsay Lohan in the nun outfit, tonguing a pistol.



CASE 39


Case 39 is a 2009 horror-thriller directed by Christian Alvart and it pretty much sucks. Like most movies in the genre, it starts with promise but sputters sadly into over familiar territory. In fact, the high point of the movie comes early on with a 3 or 4 second shot of crazy mom and dad characters looking creepily through a bedroom door. After that, it's all downhill. Ugh. Oh, big surprise; the innocent looking 10 year old turns out to be evil incarnate! We didn't see that coming from scene one. Renee Zellweger has to save the day while coming to terms with her own tragic past. Are you as bored reading this as I was watching it? I hope not. Jodelle Ferland did a pretty good job displaying her acting skillz in certain scenes despite the shit-ass script.



Here's hoping REDBOX offeres up better gems next week....

Love you, bitches.
ILLER

Beards... and what they'll attract.

Having an epic beard will attract a lot of things. Simply being able to grow one is a symbol of good fortune. Take this guy, for instance. He's already getting mad love from a well-groomed, hairless pussy... and his beard is only mediocre. Imagine what other pleasures the world could bestow upon the bearded.